Grieving: There is no right or wrong way.

Losing a loved one is very difficult whether expected or unexpected. Last week I lost my father very unexpectedly. It amazed me how literally one minute someone is there – going about their day, and in the blink of an eye is just… gone. Plucked right up from the earth. No formal goodbyes. No kiss on the forehead. Nothing. Just *blink* – gone.

I am very strong spiritually, and I am confident that his time was up and his new journey just beginning, and to me that was exciting. He had lived his time here, doing whatever it was he was here to do… just as we all live. Sometimes it’s a very short stay; sometimes it’s long. I think we come in knowing the time we’ll be leaving, but over time we forget.

Death is a funny thing really. Not ha-ha funny – maybe “ironic” is more the word. The death of a loved one makes us incredibly sad. The longing, the loss, wishing you could have said so many things. The hearts of those left behind are torn and wounded. Death teaches us about love. In all our humanness we so often let the crap in life get in our way. Our ego moves in, we hold grudges, we have silly arguments, and we forget what is truly important.

Love. That’s all, just love.

So death – for all it’s sadness, teaches us love. It brings us out of ego and throws what truly matters right in our face. All the other things you thought, all the human feelings you experienced, all those things are completely gone when death visits. You are reminded during grieving of how you are supposed to live your life all the time – with unconditional love.

And our loved ones know this the instant they are gone. The instant. They are still around in that twilight state, comforting us – for they now know all the secrets of the universe and they instantly understand unconditional love. They look upon us with amazing love – a love so much more expansive than we as humans would ever be able to process or even envision!

Nothing from ego exists anymore when they pass. They don’t care about who is arguing with who, who said what, or any of those silly things that happened in the living years. They are now simply LOVE. They are at home. They are at peace.

The most important thing you can do is to grieve in your own way, and allow others to grieve in their own way.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  Some cry, some scream, some get mad, some laugh.  There is no “normal” to grieving.  Did you know on average, the mourning period lasts about a year and a half?  So give yourself and others time in their own way to process their grief in their own way.  Up and downs are normal.  Good days and not so good days are normal.  Let yourself feel your thoughts and feelings as they arise.

One thing to keep in mind while grieving is to try not to permit yourself to remain stuck in a perpetual state of sadness.  A healthy thing to do while grieving is to allow yourself time to also be happy.  Remember good times and smile about them, even laugh.  Celebrate the loved one you are missing so much with happy memories.  Talk with others, enjoy old photos, write down or record your stories and thoughts.  These are all things that will not root you in grief, but lift you.

For me, I have found happiness and quiet in my fathers passing. I have always looked at the little things in life as the biggest things, and death only binds me further to that belief. To absorb a childs smile, to walk along the water’s edge, to enjoy little moments of this thing we call life – is happiness to me.

 

10 thoughts on “Grieving: There is no right or wrong way.”

  1. Thank yOu…I feel grief is like the tide…sometimes crashing…immobilizing, then moves out leaving calm. Lost many this year. Today is my father’s birthday…he would have been 101…good man, father. Just thinking and appreciating what you wrote. Blessed be to you and yous

    1. Thank YOU for taking the tme to write in! Yes, grief is like the tide. Glad you shared your thoughts, and blessings right on back to you 🙂
      -Sheila

  2. Thank you for this beautiful article. I have lost my father to cancer few months back. It was tough time to see him go through a lot of pain, Reading this article makes me feel a little better, as I believe he is out of his pain and has a new beginning.

  3. While this is a beautiful post and helpful to read, grieving is different for the death of a parent, as opposed to a sibling, as opposed to the worst of all, your child. I have experienced all three. One cannot generalize and lump the three types together. Losing a parent is in the right order; though very sad,,, yet the loss of a sibling is extremely difficult and not as easy to follow the steps mentioned in the post. Right now, I am grieving for the loss of my sister who was my best friend and confidant. Yhis is after losing my son which took years to work through. I feel as though I am in a perpetual state of grief. Yes, I have ok days and I have bad days. I try to keep a sense of humor to work through all of this, however, truly, it is not easy. It casts doubt on everything. Is there life after death? Are their spirits nearby, if there is? So many questions for which there is no real answer.

    1. First, I am so sorry for all your loss. And you are absolutely right – this is generalized and merely a place to start or work off of for whatever YOU feel is right. I have no doubt personally about life after death, so for me maybe that helps in my thinking I don’t know. I wish you all the best though and hope you find your healing place <3

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