The Crazy Ass Ride to Menopause

So.  This year I turned 50.  And I’m pretty certain I am in what they call perimenopause.  Wacky WACKY and sporadic menstrual cycles.  Some that are so bad that well… the after math could be used on one of those crime show dramas as a murder scene.  Seriously.  So much blood, surely someone must have died a horrible, horrible death!  


About two years ago I went from a Cinderella story of periods to complete insanity.  Right on the money 28 day cycles.  Like clockwork for like I don’t know, 35 years?  Let’s just say… the Mayans could have based their system of time on my menstrual cycle.  That is how reliable it was.  All of a sudden my carriage turned back into a pumpkin and my fairy godmother died or something because let me tell you, this is the craziest thing to experience.

First of all… perimenopause.  It’s that crazy gross time frame of anywhere between two and ten+ years before menopause.  Mood swings from sweet lady to crazy arse bitch.  Laughing to crying.  Hardy sexual appetite to don’t frickin touch me (and visa versa). Yep  could be a decade or MORE of bloody fun.  And to any guys that are here as a result of a google search to figure out why their wife is going through all these things?  Yes… I did say UP TO A DECADE OR MORE.  So saddle up fellas!  Menopause technically doesn’t arrive til you are period FREE for one entire year.

For some reason, I dunno, but I always just assumed, I guess, that when you near menopause you’re periods get lighter and well… I assumed that they just sorta faded into the sunset.  A big fat WRONG-O! Turns out they are more like Bonnie and Clyde in a hail of bullets, a blood bath.  These cycles are heavy. Like really heavy.  I would say 3-4 times heavier than normal.  Maybe even like 5000 times.  Like totally epic.  Some last nearly two weeks.  Then when you think it’s over til next month?  A week or two later, it’s back like a visiting relative that just refuses to go home. There have been times I’ve had it on and off for three weeks, and sometimes I’ve skipped a month or two.  There’s no rhyme or reason and I am convinced that someone up there ^^ is having a good laugh.  Probably the deceased inventor of tampons.

I’ve also gained a new body part!  Yep!  It’s a meno-pot.  It’s a bot belly unlike any other – that grows on you about the time you begin perimenopause.   So yay, you get gifts!  I hear it’s fat that used to be stored in your body during your child bearing years – that settles into your abdomen area.  You know the area – it makes you look like you’re preggers.  Because I mean, at 50 I really want to look preggers again.  WTF?  I dunno about the fat thing… but I do know a lot of gas is stored in that meni-pot!

A. Lot. Of. Gas.

You’re breasts get tender and lumpy-er.  I just spent a day last week getting an extensive mammogram and ultrasound for a lump in my breast the size of a golf ball (nope, not even kidding).  I could see the reaction on the face of the mammogram tech as she stuck the little sticker on my boob to make sure that area was clearly identified on the image.  Her voice didn’t say it… but her reaction clearly spoke, “FeelsLikeCancerFeelsLikeCancer.” Turns out it was a just large cluster of cysts “common during the time your hormones change.”  (menopause).  Thankfully they were all benign.

I thought for sure after two years of this wonky crap that I was finally finished, as I missed 3 periods.  I gleefully texted my daughters.  I told my husband and my friends that I was “totally going to have a menopause party.  It is either going to be at The Cheesecake Factory, or… a bar.  I’m not sure.”

Then that damn dead inventor of tampons clinked glasses with the dead creator of sanitary pads and they laugheddddd and laughed.  Guess what came back with a vengeance?  Yep you guessed it.  CSI all over again.  Back on the road of ruined panties and clots the size of lemons.  But that’s okay, because I know I am on my way with this whole menopause thing.  I have something to look forward to because sometime within the next freaking decade I will be celebrating.   I assure you of that.

And people better give me gifts.  Just sayin.

*if you are experiencing any of these symptoms, it is imperative that you visit your gynecologist immediately!  You need to go for your yearly exams and schedule your yearly tests.  Take care of yourself and do NOT rely on stories off the internet such as this to diagnose yourself.  Also, if bleeding heavily like this, do not delay – see your doctor right away.  Many serious illnesses present in the same way.  Also, have your iron checked as anemia may come into play with heavy menstrual bleeding. Make sure you do self breast exam checks and keep your mammograms up to date as well as PAP tests.  There are medical things that can alleviate heavy bleeding, which I am testing out with the help of my gyno.  So far I’m not having success but well, hey!  Seems I have time to tinker! 😉
 Be good to yourself so that when you finally DO MAKE IT to menopause – you can enjoy it!